Being Known

I’ve not posted much of anything lately. And the little bit that I have written here recently has been way on the ‘lighter’ side of content ~ I mean, “greener” bombs??? Come on…

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. I’ve actually had quite a few things that I wanted to write about lately (working with a summer intern, fixing my race car, visiting the art gallery, reading Dostoyevsky, new music, moments with students…). But whenever I begin to actually put the words together, I find myself insanely filtering what I want to say. Then I decide this distilled, nuetralized (or is neutered?) version of what’s on my mind isn’t really worth saying anyway. So I delete it and move on to something else.

(I’m fighting with myself right now even ~ finish the post or filter it then scrap it? I’ll keep going and see what happens…)

I think this may just be a part of my tendency to question everything – especially myself. In that case, I’ll just keep digging for answers, writing and deleting my way along. But it also may be some fear of something outside of me, looking into the part of me I put on display, and deciding they don’t like what they see. When I started this blog, I was feeling pretty secure. I knew if anyone had a problem with what they found here, we could deal with it together. I had a confidence in what I had to say, even when difficult issues led me to say things I knew people didn’t want to hear. I was known. I knew myself and felt like I was on firm enough footing to defend if I needed to.

I feel like all of that is missing now. I’m not known. I don’t want to say what people who don’t know me don’t want to hear. (We’re not very nice to people we don’t know when they say things we don’t want to hear, are we?) I feel like Jeremiah maybe, with a message to deliver that I don’t really want to. But he couldn’t keep it in, and I’m sure I can’t either…

Not that I’m trying to stifle the message of God for the sake of my own security. Or maybe that’s exactly what it is. Maybe I know deep inside that the masses of consumer christians don’t want to hear the call to create and produce something in keeping with the faith they claim. Maybe I know within my soul that the herds will always value conformity above true beauty. Maybe I’ve just been listenning to too much Coldplay…

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